NOTHING TO LOSE, EVERYTHING TO GAIN

By SEAN CUTSHALL

Like many other addicts in this world, I've tried everything. I have nothing more to lose, and looking up from the ground, everything possible to gain. So, yes, I will give this program of drug court a chance, and see where I end up.

I was officially accepted into the drug court program, and the realization my life is now being closely monitored, has been made clear. I've always thought, heavy accountability is something else to make me fall, just one more person to let down, but I have nothing to lose, and anything to gain. 

Opting out of this program, and returning to the regular court system, might make sense for a lot of people, but for me it doesn't. I've proven everything there is to prove about misuse of humanity, and I owe it to myself to try something else. I've strung together many false positives with my life, cheap surprises of sobriety that never lasted, and I think it was time to give up the control. And,if looking up from nothing has any value, then I'm sitting on a gold mine. Obviously, with nothing to lose anymore, and, quite possibly, everything to gain. 

A FAIR TRADE

BY SEAN CUTSHALL

In return for giving away my right to a trial, my right to ask any court for leniency, the right to do whatever I want inside my own home or with friends, the right to schedule my days wherever and whenever I want; I've gained the chance to have a life that no longer is mirrored with the painful memories of drug use, or failed employment or relationships. This trade Drug Court offered me is more than a second chance to erase a felony, but a trade I cannot ignore. To me it is a trade that gives me life, and who wouldn't think that is a fair trade.

Instead of those rights, I get the chance to separate myself from the labels that have followed me for the last 20 years, only leaving for brief period of times. I don't know how difficult or frustrating this agreement might become, but in the end, I've made my decision. I want to live free from all the things that have dragged me down. I'm no better than anyone else, but to me a little less in the freedom departments for awhile is a trade I'm willing to make, and one that I think is more than fair.

I've watched how Drug Court has graduated people, and some of these people I know. And, they are not the same people I knew when they started. This is scary, in some regards, I don't want to change the person I am, but maybe I need the change the person I've become. I know, I have a lot to lose, but I'm curious and willing to see all that I have to gain. Today, I signed away those rights, maybe tomorrow I will gain more than I bargained for, or ever saw possible. I really hope this is the case, because I've already lost so much behind the trades I made in my past.

DRUG COURT BRINGS AN OPEN MIND TO A FRESH START

By Sean Cutshall

For what many are calling a "waste of time", or the "impossible mission", I'm choosing to call mine and the court's decision to place me in Drug Court a fresh start, and a chance to gain real recovery and long-term sobriety.

I can't predict the future, but I am determined to have an open mind to what the future obligations of drug court might bring to my life. Experience and heartache has only proven two things, I do not have the capabilities withing my grasp to use drugs, even for a day, and not damage the current situations in my life. In detailed conversations with my self, I've convinced "me" that I can do this task, but it always comes back to prove me wrong. And, in proving me wrong, the evidence becomes increasingly louder and more painful.

So, with everything to lose and everything to gain, I will proceed forward with optimism and an open mind. I owe a real, honest effort with the hurdles and challenges I will soon and often be facing with my participation in Drug Court.

This week, I will have a drug evaluation done to determine where I'm at in my addiction. Following this evaluation, I will move forward with some sort of treatment plan, something I feel will be frustrating with my current schedule and needed. I feel like my life, over the past year, has shown I know and can do what it takes to be clean for extended amount of times, but there seems to be a "hump" in the journey, which has stalled me many, many times in the past.

Also, this week, I will meet with my Drug Court Attorney, to be made aware of what it is exactly I am getting myself into, at least on a legal status. I've been made aware, I will give up a lot of my rights to participate, but will have the chance to complete the Drug Court program and have my record wiped clean of the charge, something I've never been offered in the past.

I know my upcoming participation is critical in my success, and I will proceed with an open mind, and give my recovery, and my life, a real, honest effort. I want more for my life, and I'm determined to achieve consistent, stability in my life.